Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
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[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
Guys, Kelly Kapowski does not belong solely to me
She belongs to us all
She’s R. Kelly
Divorced couples have two chromosomes. Ex and why.
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
*Submits synonymosaur as an alternate word for thesaurus
*Waits for Nobel Peace Prize
I can see your camouflage pants, so they’re not working.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.