@Reverend_Scott

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

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@captaincoximus

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

@brennadine

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

@Mr_Kapowski

Guys, Kelly Kapowski does not belong solely to me

She belongs to us all

She’s R. Kelly

@matt___nelson

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

@thatstings

*Submits synonymosaur as an alternate word for thesaurus

*Waits for Nobel Peace Prize

@9to5Life

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

@gemmacorrell

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.