I’m gonna be late…
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
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With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
It’s like “society” expects you to wear “different clothes” every day.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that