@KielyHealey

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

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@EndhooS

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

@funnybeachgirl

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

@Stellacopter

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

@NeighborGrumpy

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

@Jesssicle

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

@thestlouisan

It’s like “society” expects you to wear “different clothes” every day.

@jessokfine

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

@KeetPotato

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

@TheTweetOfGod

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

@Megatronic13

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that