I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
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“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Swedish for common sense.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”