I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
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Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?