@LuvPug

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

You Might Also Like

@OBiiieeee

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

@ashleyaustrew

You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
Goldfish
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
7 Legos
– Chopped: Moms Edition

@JeffMyspace

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

@Sickayduh

“We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you’re gonna be the one to do it”

“I…uhhh… Wha?”

“Nailed it. Next state.”

@Stellacopter

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

@iRowlf

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

@ewfeez

I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up

@skwunt

Me: Hey kid what do you want for dinner?

8: Do you have cheese?

Me: yes

8: Do you have ham?

Me: yes

8: Do you have bread and mayo?

Me: YES

8: I want spaghetti