Cop: where ya headed?
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
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You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
– Chopped: Moms Edition
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
“We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you’re gonna be the one to do it”
“Nailed it. Next state.”
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Yawning Is our body’s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
I only speak Spanish when bill collectors call
I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up
Me: Hey kid what do you want for dinner?
8: Do you have cheese?
8: Do you have ham?
8: Do you have bread and mayo?
8: I want spaghetti