@OhMattyBoy

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

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@DaddyJew

Me: I can’t come in today, too much snow

Boss: according to your FB page you’ve already started day drinking and are messaging me from inside an igloo you built

Me: that is correct

B: can I come hang?

@dafloydsta

I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.

@Sickayduh

MOM: You give that back to him, mister
ME: Ok mom
MOM: and what do we say now?
ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl

@bromanconsul

people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence

@SondraDeeMe

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

@ericsshadow

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

@Dustinkcouch

911: what’s your emergency?

me: a man is in my house

911: who

me: idk. how would i know that

911: ask

me: ok

911:

me: he didn’t answer

911: describe him

me: he’s large

911: is he tall

me: yea

911: give him my number 🙂

me: what’s your number

911: are u serious

@DrakeGatsby

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

@ChipKellysBalls

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

@TheIronSherk

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.