Me: I can’t come in today, too much snow
Boss: according to your FB page you’ve already started day drinking and are messaging me from inside an igloo you built
Me: that is correct
B: can I come hang?
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
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I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”
Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.
MOM: You give that back to him, mister
ME: Ok mom
MOM: and what do we say now?
ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl
people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
911: what’s your emergency?
me: a man is in my house
me: idk. how would i know that
me: he didn’t answer
911: describe him
me: he’s large
911: is he tall
911: give him my number 🙂
me: what’s your number
911: are u serious
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.