@elle91

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

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@TeaPartyCat

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

@ch000ch

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

@envydatropic

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

@ruinedpicnic

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ilovedogs
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iloveparisdogs

@Brianhopecomedy

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

@jbillinson

Biden: I think if we just leave a small-
Obama: No
Biden: Just a small Mouse Trap inspired-
Obama: No booby traps, Joe

@HoarseWisperer

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

@UncleDuke1969

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

@CeruleanGates

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

@FredTaming

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?