BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
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my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
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When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Biden: I think if we just leave a small-
Biden: Just a small Mouse Trap inspired-
Obama: No booby traps, Joe
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me: -dramatic pauses?