I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
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*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
As the Lord intended
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?