I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.

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During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.


do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?


*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*


“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.


Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @


{Kid’s bday party}

Me: Where’s the cake?

Mom of kid: We don’t believe in sugar.

Me: I promise it’s real. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.


The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.


Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG