I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
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My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Just this preview of the story is enough
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.