“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?