You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
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I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Google assistant rules