i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
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video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.