Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
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My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
No. YOU-buprofen.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
When the stylist spins you back around
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
🤣
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?