I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Kids: Stay in school.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.