I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.