Somebody PLEASE come to my house and plug the power cord into my laptop.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I’m compromising and buying them a goat.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?