@meganamram

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

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@FeelingEuphoric

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

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@JackoSims14

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

@mrtruthandsoul

My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I’m compromising and buying them a goat.

@CliffDuffy

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

@HomeWithPeanut

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

@imchriskelly

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

@stephenjmolloy

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?