“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
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words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
WTF
2022 be like
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers