“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
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I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan