Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
the last thing a carrot sees
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.