Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
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WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years