@lizetagge: I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want...
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@NotGoodEthan: "IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON" *the rock beats chest* AND IN THIS CORNER... RYAN "PAPER" WALLACE *the rock is visibly nervous*
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind. [later] Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping? My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
@Brampersandon_: [driving to a party] WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight [at the party] ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
@TheAlexNevil: Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to "sweep the leg". They've all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.