I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want…

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The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.


FRIEND: A ton of people were at the party last night
ME: Thats only 14 people given an avg body wt of 136lbs
F: This is why u werent invited


I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.


Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman


Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out


Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries


I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.


Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?


-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!


Lack of diversity in period pieces is wild. It’s as if black ppl were invented during slavery got discontinued then relaunched in the 60s.