I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
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Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.