I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
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I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Every work meeting this week
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine