I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
You Might Also Like
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.