You know what Victoria’s Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.
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Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
This looks like lead poisoning to me!
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
My wife gives the best headache.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast