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You know what Victoria’s Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.


Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming.


So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.



This looks like lead poisoning to me!

*Tugs nervously at his collar*


First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.


Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.


Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no


[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.


coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast