@AndyAsAdjective: After months of trying, I finally have a runner's body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

@SomeChrisTweets: Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

@weinerdog4life: Is there a class for just the karate noises?

@fatherofcomedy: They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

@TheWoodenslurpy: You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.