Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
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My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.