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@animadvertguy

WIFE: really?
ME: uh?
WIFE: 20 mins and you haven’t noticed?
ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun
WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.

@stevevsninjas

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

@Contwixt

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

@Merman_Melville

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

@novicefather

I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I’ll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.

@c12h22o11balls

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

@WeedlordKrillin

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

@KristinGnr

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

@UnFitz

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

@dafloydsta

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes