at ease…shoulder.
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No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.