@waveymaree

I love twitter

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@ShaeAaron

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

@timdonakowski

My new career path:

1. Learn soccer
2. Move to Ghana
3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer

@Mostly_Cheese

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

@FirecrackerKatt

Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?

@HeyoShellz

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

@CelticMoonDance

I’m beginning to question your proclamation of your “spiritual gifts”. You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect.

@batkaren

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

@MorticiaKate

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

@BadassBarbie11

Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.