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Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.