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I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.


My new career path:

1. Learn soccer
2. Move to Ghana
3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer


*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.


Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?


Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t


I’m beginning to question your proclamation of your “spiritual gifts”. You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect.


Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.


Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur


Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.