@UncleDuke1969

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

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@Scorpio1080

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

@chelliet22

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

@ArfMeasures

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

@squirrel74wkgn

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

@bornmiserable

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

@snowflakecheese

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

@poizngrl

My need for caffeine is so bad I’m going to AA for the free coffee

@murrman5

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

@peteholmes

Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”