@Kyle_Lippert

“I love u”
“Umm isn’t it a bit too soon to say I love you?”
“Oh ha I meant the letter U. What’s your fav u word? Mine is Unreciprocated lol”

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@Dustinkcouch

911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

@aka_fatman

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

@HelmdawgE

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

@wildethingy

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

@richyrichric

I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…

@QwertyJones3

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

@AndLookPretty

Husband is upset I ate the last of the chicken. Can I help it if he didn’t see it enclosed in foil wrap, sealed inside Tupperware, and tucked behind the eggs on the bottom shelf?

It was right in front of him.

@MyNameIsArchaic

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex