6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
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WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
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Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what