@Kyle_Lippert
“I love u”
“Umm isn’t it a bit too soon to say I love you?”
“Oh ha I meant the letter U. What’s your fav u word? Mine is Unreciprocated lol”
@Dustinkcouch
911: what’s ur emergency
me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me
911: what’s going on?
me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.
911: and why are you in jail?
me: im callin 911 too much :/
911: yep. you know what this means.
me: worse jail :/
911: *nods* worse jail
@samalmightysam
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
@aka_fatman
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
@HelmdawgE
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
@wildethingy
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
@CAshmanActor
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
@richyrichric
I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…
@QwertyJones3
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
@AndLookPretty
Husband is upset I ate the last of the chicken. Can I help it if he didn’t see it enclosed in foil wrap, sealed inside Tupperware, and tucked behind the eggs on the bottom shelf?
It was right in front of him.
@MyNameIsArchaic
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex