“I love u”
“Umm isn’t it a bit too soon to say I love you?”
“Oh ha I meant the letter U. What’s your fav u word? Mine is Unreciprocated lol”

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911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail


You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.


I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.


Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.


Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.


I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…


Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word


Husband is upset I ate the last of the chicken. Can I help it if he didn’t see it enclosed in foil wrap, sealed inside Tupperware, and tucked behind the eggs on the bottom shelf?

It was right in front of him.


Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex