Top 5 birth control methods
3. jean jackets
5. putting ketchup all over the fries instead of on the side
I love walking down the street smiling to myself. It really freaks people out. Especially if my trousers are round my ankles.
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
So when a couple gets engaged on Facebook for April Fools it’s okay to comment “hahaha” but the rest of the year it’s rude??
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.
Me: *stabs fork into eye*
JAMES BLUNT: You stink
JAMES TACTFUL: I bought you this perfume
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”