I love walking down the street smiling to myself. It really freaks people out. Especially if my trousers are round my ankles.

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Top 5 birth control methods

1. pills
2. hysterectomy
3. jean jackets
4. crocs
5. putting ketchup all over the fries instead of on the side


Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.


*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.


It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.


So when a couple gets engaged on Facebook for April Fools it’s okay to comment “hahaha” but the rest of the year it’s rude??


My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.


The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”


Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*


My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”