The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
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I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Yup….perfect score!
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.