I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
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I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Bruh PLEASE
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls