me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
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When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
CRYING
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?