I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

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My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.


10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”


[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet


[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay


Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?


Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator


[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this


Her: Are you even listening to me or are you just tweeting?
Me: Yes sweetie, I hate her too.


Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …