My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
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10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this
Her: Are you even listening to me or are you just tweeting?
Me: Yes sweetie, I hate her too.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.