I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
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Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with