I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
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I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Passwords are more important than ever.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account