@AudreyPorne

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

You Might Also Like

@HatfieldAnne

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

@RodLacroix

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

@prufrockluvsong

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

@iamledgin

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

@imchriskelly

Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”

I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??

Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.

I love Jeff Goldblum.

@theshamingofjay

Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.

@tsm560

Her: don’t insult me like that

Me: I’m sorry, how would you prefer I insult you?