@AudreyPorne

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

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@novicefather

I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble.

Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.

@julcasagrande

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

@JustDontBugMe

I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.

So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am

@DiscountLando

You have two wolves inside you? Cool! I have a sheet cake from Costco inside me.

@urmumsausername

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

@ThePawfessor

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

@WilliamAder

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

@le_buns

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

@BeeeejEsq

Me: But do you really have what it takes to be as cool as me?

*coolly tosses cashew high in the air, smoothly catches cashew in trachea, suavely chokes to death on cashew*