Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
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The cake is mightier than the sword.
Me: Want to go outside?
Me: Go outside?
Me: Let’s go outside!
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Covid started out as a virus but mutated into an IQ test.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”
I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??
Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.
I love Jeff Goldblum.
Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.
Her: don’t insult me like that
Me: I’m sorry, how would you prefer I insult you?