@NickSwardson

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

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@emily_tweets

Well my 3 year old overheard my husband, and now thinks ‘sit on my face’ is a fun thing to say while playing. 🤦‍♀️

@thatUPSdude

For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says

“please take one”

That way it looks like I actually had candy once

@christress

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

@_salt_n_lime

My Twitter password is stronger than my bank password in case you wonder where my priorities lie.

@behindyourback

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

@Thynebear

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

@PinkCamoTO

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

@TweetsByKaylee

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

@gobmentcheese

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.