I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
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Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
“and how does that make you feel?”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.