I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

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Well my 3 year old overheard my husband, and now thinks ‘sit on my face’ is a fun thing to say while playing. 🤦‍♀️


For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says

“please take one”

That way it looks like I actually had candy once


I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey


My Twitter password is stronger than my bank password in case you wonder where my priorities lie.


Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich


[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you


I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.


interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies


I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.