I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
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I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*