I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do馃憦you馃憦want馃憦a馃憦ham馃憦sandwich馃憦or馃憦turkey馃憦and馃憦cheese
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4th Wiseman: I鈥檒l just get him a gift card.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn鈥檛 loan him 5 bucks.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I鈥檓 going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I鈥檓 not saying I could stand to diet, I鈥檓 just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan鈥檚 twin sister?
Haven鈥檛 seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.