Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
You Might Also Like
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here