@VisionBored1

I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse

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@SirEviscerate

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

@mishakey

If you stop at a yellow light I’m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.

@yoopnative

My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.

@jergarl

I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.

@djdarrellripley

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

@KickSumHunibuns

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

@tsm560

She’s one of a kind. Like an instagram sunset