[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
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*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn