Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.
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Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
You had a bad 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 and you’re hoping for a good 2019? Ain’t you precious.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger…Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don’t like.
“BURN THE WITCH”
U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.