@NotGaryBusey

I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.

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@ArfMeasures

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

@NewDadNotes

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

@CarpentersCrack

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

@murrman5

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

@Dawn_M_

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

You had a bad 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 and you’re hoping for a good 2019? Ain’t you precious.

@buhsbaby_baby

Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger…Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don’t like.

@Reverend_Scott

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.