@NotGaryBusey: I love when people say "If people hate you, it only means you're doing something right." Because that's what Hitler would say.
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@ibid78: Rookie cop: "But sir, why would man's laughter be a crime?" Chief: "ffs kid, it's one word. Manslaughter."
@Jake_Vig: When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say "Is that who you were telling me about?"
@ddsmidt: My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser. Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.