Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
You Might Also Like
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Self-cleaning conscience
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
*checks Timeline*…
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.