I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
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8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Not even remotely sorry.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
my proudest tweet
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.