If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
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[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
just witnessed a drug deal
what the
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
accurate
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime