@tesselatrix

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

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@Vice_Queen

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

@rockymomax

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

@EnthonyRobbins

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

@Marlebean

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

@ObscureGent

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

@Gre_Gone

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

@envydatropic

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

@SalimAliAhmad

Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?