@tesselatrix

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

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@bornmiserable

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

@theshantilly

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

@JElvisWeinstein

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

@zachreinert03

My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen

@WheelTod

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

@scrappy_momma

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

@HollyMemphis

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

@TweetsByKaylee

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy