HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
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Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Me: *jazz hands*
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.