I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

You Might Also Like


[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.


[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope


Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.


I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.


I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.


Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.


*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*


Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome


Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?