my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
You Might Also Like
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.