i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
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Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
my first dose meeting my second
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
584.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.