@Contwixt: I love when you look into someone's eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
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@DimpledKyle: 9 year Nephew: Hey smell this. You licked a puss. Me: [mutes TV] what 9 year old Nephew : it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss. Me: ... 9-year old nephew : [hands me a candle jar] Me. It’s pronounced *eucalyptus*
@LinajkReturns: So much mascara her eyes got stuck in the closed position. Too bad lipstick doesn't work that way.
@Mr_Kapowski: [fancy restaurant] Wife: How was the bathroom? Me: The bathroom attendant doesn't come in and help when you yell "WIPE" from the stall