I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
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god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Breaking news:
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed