I love when you’re choking someone and they are all “I can’t breathe”, duh I’m choking you.

You Might Also Like


I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.


The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.


“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.


Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy


[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]


I accidentally ate one of my dog’s bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN’S OUTSIDE


Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
Wife: NO!
Me: Then I’m not coming.


Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.


Dog Walking Business Idea:
1. Train every dog to walk another dog.
2. Put the dogs in a dog walking circle.