My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I love when you’re choking someone and they are all “I can’t breathe”, duh I’m choking you.
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A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[ At the grocery store ]
Cashier: Is that everything?
Me: Nope. I got all this invisible shit, too
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Day 3: dude next to me can hold his breath for 3 days. Going on 4. Very impressive.