@thatUPSdude

I love when you’re choking someone and they are all “I can’t breathe”, duh I’m choking you.

You Might Also Like

@highwaytohelv

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

@michaelianblack

The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.

@Jake_Vig

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

@OkieGirl405

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

@msdanifernandez

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

@jake_lach

I accidentally ate one of my dog’s bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN’S OUTSIDE

@Jaywoo74

Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
M:…
Wife: NO!
Me: Then I’m not coming.

@Izianikapani

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

@rolldiggity

Dog Walking Business Idea:
1. Train every dog to walk another dog.
2. Put the dogs in a dog walking circle.
3. GO TO A MOVIE!