@thatUPSdude

I love when you’re choking someone and they are all “I can’t breathe”, duh I’m choking you.

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@daddydoubts

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

@Ray_stephan

A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.

@SaddestTiger

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

@Birdhumms

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

@snotnboogers23

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

@psybermonkey

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

@summerlvn82

[ At the grocery store ]

Cashier: Is that everything?

Me: Nope. I got all this invisible shit, too

@gvicks

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

@david8hughes

[shipwreck diary]
Day 3: dude next to me can hold his breath for 3 days. Going on 4. Very impressive.