*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
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*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*
*forgets where he left it*
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Word of the day – Obama. I opened a bottle of brandy and drank it Obama self.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.