Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
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Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”