@JDBooie

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

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@WordsOfaHooker

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

@simoncholland

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

@WilliamAder

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

@Wine_honey1

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

@Shock_Monster

After seeing some of the names on kids these days, you wonder if their parents were going all in for the Triple Word Score.

@abbycohenwl

Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What’s it for?
M: No one’s sure of that
[suddenly Guy’s head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that’ll happen

@Social_Mime

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

@QwertyJones3

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

@WritePlay

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds